I didn’t have a great morning.
Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I can’t think of a particular reason why I wasn’t feeling great mentally. And yet there I was sorting mail, I’m a mail person, feeling pretty blue.
Let’s set the scene. I get up around 5am and grab a quick shower. Then it’s out the door with my lunch bag and coffee. But not before a quick snuggle with my girlfriend. I drive about 35 minutes to work. Once I am there I put in my earbuds and rock out as I sort the mail. I’m inside so I am dry and warm. This morning I was listening to my favourite ever band. There wasn’t much mail so I knew it was going to be a pretty easy day. I make a good wage. I like the route I am currently covering.
Why was I down?
I can’t say for sure but I have a few theories.
Last night at the coffee shop as part of my talk to interesting people I approached a woman who was clearly working. Which, I know, kind of sucks. She’s not there to jabber with some random. But I put that guilt aside and approached. It turns out she’s a writer. She writes for companies mostly. Stuff for websites and product info and stuff like that. She gave me some helpful advice and we parted ways.
So there’s a chance that this interaction with a writer led to my feeling a bit blue the next day at work because I am still feeling like mail work isn’t what I want to do forever. Seeing someone doing something that I think I might want to do may have had some bleed over into the next day.
Perhaps it had to do with a conversation I had with a buddy last night. Which got me thinking a lot about life, love, the past, the future, happiness, and letting go. Which is just so damn hard.
There’s a possibility that it had something to do with the music. We went to see my favourite ever band back in November and maybe listening to them just triggered some nostalgia for that day. A bit of disbelief for how long ago that was considering it feels like yesterday. And since it’s the band that got me through my depression there’s always layers of feeling when I listen to them.
Or it could be a simple case of feeling a bit down. It’s early in the morning when I go to work and sometimes I am simply fed up with being up.
And then I started thinking about my back. You see I have been doing a lot of yoga lately. Daily in fact. I had an idea that this year I would do one of two things on a daily basis, yoga or running. And since the weather is wintery it’s been mostly yoga. I’m loving it. I love the way it feels while I’m doing it (even when it really hurts because certain muscle groups aren’t very flexible) and the way I feel when I am done.
But my back has been sore. And my shoulders. At first I was frustrated that I didn’t feel better. Like it’s been two weeks of yoga so I should feel great, right? Wrong. My posture has improved. I can feel my flexibility improve. Sometimes while doing posture stuff and really making myself long I get a bit gassy. Things are happening. Changes are occurring.
It hit me one day that the reason I am sore is because things are changing. I am standing taller. So muscles I haven’t used a lot in the last however many years are adjusting. I carry almost all my tension in my shoulders. They’ve basically been pinned to my ears for a decade. Stretching them out will take time. While they adjust? Soreness.
It’s normal and it’s part of the process.
So I think maybe, just maybe, my rough morning was a sort of mental version of that. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life, my goals, my desires, meaning and purpose and all those good things. And that change, like the yoga, is forcing me to use my brain in ways it’s not used to. The result is some fatigue and some soreness. That soreness came out this morning.
But all it took was a little time. A few deep sighs. A full thermos of coffee. And a few laughs and jokes with co-workers and I was feeling much better.
I’m growing and changing and challenging myself. It’s only normal to expect that there will be some days when I am mentally “sore” and need some time to recuperate. This morning was one of those times. And I feel better this evening because of it.