(So here it is as promised. The first part of my book. The introduction to kick things off!)
My whole life I have wanted things.
In the 1980s I wanted the most 1980s type things. Nintendo Entertainment System. Reebok Pumps. Pastel shirts. (I don’t remember actually wanting a pastel shirt. But I do remember loving Miami Vice. I also loved The A Team and Dukes of Hazard. So yeah. Pretty 80s.) A Sony Walkman. Vanilla Ice’s debut album on a shiny new Compact Disc. A VCR with a wireless remote. A cordless home phone. I wanted things.
In the 1990s I wanted more teenage things. Sex. Less school. To torture my family. Rebellion in the most suburban Canadian way that didn’t involve drinking, drugs or smoking. I think I bought fireworks once. I wanted my life to be explosive.
By the 2000s as I entered my 20s I wanted to drink. I wanted to party. I wanted to have fun with no responsibilities. (I’m still paying back student loans so what I did in essence was postpone my responsibilities until now.) I wanted lots of friends. And I really wanted the good times to never end.
But my whole like I also wanted more abstract things. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to avoid failure in any form. I wanted an “easy” life. I wanted to be funny. And easy going. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to be happy all the time.
I wanted a pure fantasy life. What I got was a nightmare.
By the time I got into my 30s I was really fat, I was drunk almost all the time, and, not surprisingly, I was really unhappy.
I lied to myself and pretended I was happy. Pretended I liked being a “big” guy. Pretended I didn’t have any problems. I lied and I drank and I ate so I wouldn’t accidentally come face to face with how not happy my life had become. My whole life was an exercise in self-deception. In self-dishonesty.
I struggled with the idea of death which made it hard to sleep at night. I was scared of flying so I didn’t travel. I was scared of being alone but I was afraid of being with people. I was afraid of being intimate with anyone and I sure as hell didn’t want to be vulnerable. I didn’t want people to see my insecurities. I wanted to be alone all the time in my room under the covers watching TV but I was desperately lonely and wanted to be in a big group making them laugh.
I wanted to be well liked and entertaining but I also wanted no one to ever look at me or notice me. I wanted to love my job and where I lived and make lots of money but not actually have to work for anything.
I wanted everything and nothing. I wanted a pure fantasy life.
It’s 6 years later and I live a great life. A real life. And my wants have changed once again.
I want to enjoy every moment. I want to own a home, be an amazing boyfriend and write many more books. I want to travel. I want to continue developing myself. I am happy and healthy with an amazing sense of being comfortable with myself most of the time. I am content with almost any situation. I’m more positive, caring, and loving.
Why did I finally realize I wanted to change who I was and how I lived? What happened to open my eyes? If I had be lying to myself for so long how was I ever able to finally see the truth?
That’s what this book is all about.
Now all I really want is for you to read and enjoy. And maybe be just a little bit inspired.