I just simply can’t believe how quickly the time has gone since I started this blog. It’s absolutely whipping past like a high speed train passing another high speed train. It’s been a blur. But a wonderful, fun and sometimes intimidating blur.
We’ve had another big dump of snow where I live near Vancouver. Which is interesting because we just got over a huge big cold snap with lots of snow and now it’s happened again. But it’s also just so rare. It hardly ever snows here and it almost never sticks around more than a day. To have two separate snowy periods where it’s lasted for a few days? It’s something I can’t really remember happening more than once or twice in my life.
Normally the snow doesn’t bother me but this time it set off some anxiety. It got bad yesterday afternoon. Something about having to get up and down our very steep driveway combined with thinking about how I was going to get to work today, and maybe some other stuff going on in life, really got me going. Sunday when it started snowing again I was hit very hard with anxiety.
The tough thing about it is that I haven’t been dealing with anxiety much lately. It’s been probably over a year since I had really bad anxiety like what I dealt with yesterday. I must be out of practice because I didn’t deal with it very well. But I am feeling much better today.
I spent some time outside when I got home from work shoveling some snow and doing some salting. I haven’t been keeping up with that stuff as much as I would have liked and our walkway is a bit dangerous. Hopefully I’ve taken care of that.
I have to say though I love shoveling snow. It’s hard on my back while I am doing it but afterwards the back seems to relax quickly and even loosen up a bit. Shoveling snow is great exercise and you get some fresh cold air which is good as well. I have to say I feel pretty good.
Which is nice because I haven’t been feeling great as I mentioned. Things are looking up.
As for the search for meaning and purpose. Well, I had a rough day at work today which set off a whole bunch more feelings about wanting to find a job with purpose.
Most days I can go in and get my work done and get home without thinking too much about what it all means or if I feel any purpose. But I am actively looking for purpose more now so it’s getting harder to just go in, work and get out.
Today it felt like, “why am I here?” and I didn’t handle it well. I was a bit slow, a bit annoyed, a bit angry and a bit mean. Some days like today it just feels like a real waste of my time to be doing something that I don’t love. Something that doesn’t mean anything to me. Just collecting a paycheck just doesn’t seem like enough.
It makes me want to redouble my efforts to find meaning either by finding new work or finding more meaning in all the things I am doing including my current job.
In that regard I did find something interesting last night. I am looking into going to see a councilor because even though I have done a lot of good work over the years to get past some serious mental health issues I am not ever going to be “done”. There’s always going to be things to work through. Sometimes things like anxiety can flare back up and it’s good to have the tools at my disposal to deal with those flare ups. But it’s also good to talk to someone. Someone trained to listen and offer advice.
The interesting thing is that when I was looking at various options for counseling I found myself thinking about volunteering with BC Family Services. If possible. I was drawn to that organization and others like it for a couple reasons. One I feel like I could help people or at the very least give some of my time so that other more qualified people can provide help.
My girlfriend and I have talked in the past about my going into an area like that. She tells me I am a good listener and I must be because I remember her saying that!
But I do think I am good at listening. I think I have some good advice to offer and I do want to get involved in something that helps people. (Which is partly why I am blogging!)
I think once I am in there for my intake session I might also look into volunteering opportunities.
I haven’t had a chance to meditate in a few days and I didn’t do much yoga last week. Even though it’s only been about a month I can feel a difference both physically and mentally when I am not doing those things.
That’s a great motivator to get back at both of them.
Today I think I will do a guided motivation on letting go of anger. I didn’t like how I felt at work today and I would love some tools for coping better.
If you haven’t already done so I once again can’t recommend enough the guided meditations that can be found on YouTube. The Honest Guys are pretty good. Jason Stephenson is one I have used in the past. Check it out. It’s a nice way to get into it without having to just sit in the corner not being able to quiet the mind.
Alright. That’s all I am musing about today.