I recently started watching Stranger Things on NetFlix. Here’s my review of episode 1.

(Please know that I love this show already and this review is mostly tongue in cheek. And there will be spoilers if you haven’t seen the show.)

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Ahh yes. There’s no better way to start a show about weird things that might be alien than the old “scientist running down a hallway in fear” bit. You’d think by now that these top secret American facilities that may or may contain an alien would have a better escape plan.

“Well, it’s super dangerous. This thing could get out and eat you. So if it does what do you do? That’s right. You run miles and miles down a dingy hallway looking for an elevator.”

“Ma’am?”

“Yes, scientist who will surely die.”

“Isn’t there a better escape route option like a emergency escape hatch or something?”

“We’re operating a below ground super secret state of the art alien studying facility here Jenkins. You think we can afford an escape hatch? Are we made of money? And not to put too fine a point on this Jenkins but you are expendable. Highly expendable.”

So now the guy gets to the end of the hallway and he has to take what is apparently the world’s slowest freight elevator? Brilliant.

Also he has a terrible mustache so you know he’s going to die. Don’t look up.

Shit.

And he’s eaten.

A sprinkler? Is that a sign?

Okay so call me racist if you want but in my mind white kids are nerds. All non-white kids are cool. Maybe it was different in the 80s.

Did the kid playing some strange dungeon and dragons knock off just call someone else a pussy?

Two weeks to plan a game? Someone needs to invent a home video game system already.

I have to say I do miss the 80s. I haven’t played games in a basement in a long time.

Gotta respect the kid for hitting on the sister. She’s way pretty and older. But he tried pizza. That was smart. If he was going to have a chance it was pizza.

Want to talk about some of the stranger things in this show? Well, if you were raised since around 1997 you would find kids riding bikes at night strange. Without helmets. Unsupervised. Not to mention the lack of reflective clothing. Just a few headlamps. Not good enough.

Crickets. Never a good sign. Wouldn’t it be colder in Indiana in November at night?

Shit. What was that? This alien thing is strange. Even stranger? The amount of fake wood paneling in this kids house. Even for the 80s this is a bit much.

Rotary phones. Talk about strange. Kids in their teens watching this show must have so many questions. “Why is that machine that he’s using to try to talk to someone attached to another machine that’s attached to the wall?”

Ahh. No wonder American’s want to protect their rights to own guns. Since their government is woefully inept at keeping their aliens from escaping.

Great 80s theme. Neon and stuff. I love it.

Okay. Good start so far. Lots of questions being raised. What’s with the electricity aspect? Is this thing alien? Why didn’t the kid take the damn shot? Where did he disappear to? How did Wynona Ryder get an acting gig for the first time in 20 years?

Dude fell asleep on the couch. He’s going to have a super sore neck after sleeping in that position. Typical man though. Too cold but didn’t bother putting on a shirt. No time. Had to get that first dart of the day. Medicating with beer? Smoking? Who is this loser…..oh. He’s a cop.

Can’t imagine this dude’s finding Will.

“Check the couch?” There’s no chance your kid is in the couch. Never mind. She was looking for her car keys.

She’s awful mad at her kid considering she also didn’t know if the little gaffer came home. She doesn’t check his bed when she gets home. Also, syrup on eggs is delicious.

“Just Mike.” Hah! No such thing. Mike’s are awesome.

Remember the 80s when kids were active enough to ride their bikes two days in a row? Those were the days. Oh yeah. Bullying was big in the 80s. You forget about these things as you get older.

Tommy H. You know for sure that kid is cool. I hear he went on to big things in fashion design.

Bathroom make out. Someone tell this asshole that no means fucking no. Stealthy? We didn’t say that in the 80s. Steve Harrington….so Steve H? Apparently at this school the cool kids just have to have an ‘H’ in their last name.

Classic joke about another guys wife. Gnomes. You gotta love the little 80s things they dropped in. Police chief is grumpy as fuck. Probably that sore neck. That’s a typewriter kids. Kind of like a computer but….ah forget it.

What’s wrong with everyone’s clothes? It’s the decade of awful clothes and fake wood. So much fake wood.

99 out of 100. The other 1? Alien.

“Nothing bad happens here.” You’ve jinxed it now dick.

Strange hair doctor and a quarantine area. Now strange white suits with breathing tubes. This could be a Bond movie. “Stranger Moonraker.”

They went out and got white rubber boots just to match the suits? That’s admirable commitment from the “US Alien storage just kidding it’s an energy research facility” team.

I bet this is the girl the just referenced. The door opening slowly sounds like the Alien thing. Nice touch. She can’t get away from a fat diner owner but she escaped a top secret research facility?

Another great mustache. Nerdy teacher for the nerds. I’m loving it. Another stranger thing? American school kids just named a country outside the US.

Okay so now they are just out in some woods. See kids back in the 1980s kids could just go out and play in the woods. I did it and I am here to tell you about it.

“Your brother is missing what should we do?”

“Go out in the woods and shout his name?”

“Well yeah. If that doesn’t help us find him nothing will.”

This diner guy seems nice but did he just not know what the number 11 is?

Okay now things are getting interesting. Or stranger. This girl just stopped a fan with her mind. That’s something to keep an eye on for sure.

So now the police are just shouting his name into some woods. Did they get training on that technique? Why don’t they have a K9 unit out here sniffing?

I have to say so far there the really strange thing about this show is the real lack of police work being done. The dog was barking at the shed so he went in. That means the dog has done at least as much, if not more, to help this investigation as the actual police so far.

Okay I don’t want to be too critical here but this other cop just said, “do you think we have a problem here?” Like a kid’s been missing for over 12 hours and his mom is adamant he is missing. There’s no sign of him. He maybe never came home or he did but then he went missing after that. His bike was abandoned on the side of the road. But you still think this might not be a problem? That’s some fucking A level optimism.

I like Ted. He’s smart. Gotta eat. Gotta keep up the strength.

They are searching the woods. The main cop doesn’t like science? ‘Merica? Oh the cops’ kid died a few years back? Or did she? Maybe she can move metal with her mind? Is the girl at the diner the cops dead daughter? Almost certainly not. I never get these things right.

Crypitc, tense music. Kids planning to search for their friend. Epic walkie talkies. But all I can see is that badass Tiger on the wall behind him.

And now the greatest moment of the entire show. No matter what else happens. That’s it. Steve H just leaning on a house all casual like. Nothing will top that.

Diner guy is dead. Moral of the story. Don’t do anything nice for anyone or your own government will shoot you.

Okay hold on. When she stopped the fan it took a while. Like, she stared at it fora few seconds. But now cutlery goes flying right away? Was she giving the fan a chance to stop itself? She’s a fan of fans and always liked their work so she wanted it to stop being annoying on it’s own before she forced it?

Also, like sorry FBI types but take the shot. This has happened before on this show. TAKE THE SHOT.

“This little girl can move things with her mind.”

“So if we have her cornered just shoot?”

“Heck no. Just stare at her for a while and give her time to attack you.”

This Steve H is a dick. NO MEANS FUCKING NO STEVE. She shouldn’t have to say it more than once.

Missing kids mom is looking through old photos with his brother. Decor update. They have wallpaper (of course) and the world’s greatest coffee table. That looks hand carved. Beautiful.

Hold on. The alien just phoned. It’s rubbing it in. Hasn’t this woman been through enough? Asshole.

My lights just flickered. I’m screwed.

Now his friends are in the woods looking for him and they’ve found “moves things with her mind girl”. And that’s it.

Well, you have to say that was outstanding television. Even though it seems like I was really critical. This show has it all. The 80s. Mystery. Near rape. Mustaches. Government agents. A drunk cop with a sad past. Woods.

I can’t wait for episode two!

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